There I said it. Suicide, Suicide, SUICIDE!
It is a manner of death that stems from an illness and yet
when it happens, the word is unbearably painful for so many and reminds me of
when my grandmothers and elderly great aunts would whisper or mouth ‘cancer’ in
such a way that it was almost as if saying it was bringing it on yourself. Now,
I have yet to go out for a run without one of my cancer support items on and
see someone else without at least one of the same…there is a ribbon for breast
cancer, testicular cancer, leukemia……you get the idea. And two generations ago
it was not a word used openly in nice company, one generation ago ovarian
cancer was ‘cancer down there’ or ‘female cancer’. Now, we face it head on and
vocalize it loudly. I had a male
Executive Vice President launch into pretty graphic details of treatment his
wife had undertaken for uterine cancer during a work event. We have screenings, drug protocols, support
tools, rallies, fundraisers…I could go on and on and on. But not for mental
illness and not for the end result which can be suicide if those afflicted do
not receive treatment, feel supported or have avenues to channel their
thoughts, feelings and needs. I think of my brave, brave friends who have battled
cancer. Some have won in this life, some had to exit this earth and find
healing in the next…but not a one of them had to feel shame or isolation or
wonder what they were doing wrong to have done this to themselves. Why on earth
does a mental illness not get that same social pass and support?
I’ve lived enough in large cities and small towns, moderate
wanna be cities and bucolic suburbs and know that mental illness is not
reserved for any one group, just as cancer is not only for women, only for the
insured, only for the smoker. I am
guilty, for sure, of using talk of suicide as an exclamation to a statement.
“If my teens don’t stop driving me crazy soon, I’m going to kill myself!” and
that is certainly not true, but I end up getting all manner of supportive
comments in response to my stress statement. But if I’d said I felt like I was
going to get cancer or diabetes it would not seem humorous and would likely be
met with a less than stellar response. Rightly so. But why, when we can minimize the mental health
issues of others ‘crazy’ and killing of oneself, suicide, that it is okay. A
punchline even?
Recently the younger brother of a friend my husband had in
high school killed himself. The obituary said ‘an accident at home’ and yet my
husband flat out refused, and actually got quite angry, when I said he had
killed himself. He could not look past the euphemistic language and accept the
reality. He actually looked me in the eye and said that he was not from ‘that
kind of family’ and it really hit me full force to hear him say that and I
could tell any further discussion was pointless. Less than a week later, it stared my
husband…and much of the world…in the face on every news channel, in the
checkout line, in a diner at breakfast, on the car radio. Robin Williams killed
himself. Death by suicide. And I watched the reporters squirm a bit, some even
went so far as to say ‘attempted suicide’ because they could not bring
themselves to say it. But when the talking heads report a cancer death of a
known person, they said it without a bit of hesitation, without a moment of ‘oh
wow, I can’t believe I am saying this’ because it is a recognized illness for
which you can seek treatment without stigma, without fear of repercussions,
without worrying that it will forever be branded upon you in life, work,
school….you name it.
I think that our suicide rate would be lower if people felt
they could say to someone close to them, a medical professional, a spiritual
leader, a family member……I am worried I might kill myself and I need help. I
know when I had a cancer scare a few years ago and needed a Level II mammogram
the time leading up to that appointment were filled with positive thoughts,
affirmations, prayers, offers of help with schlepping kids and most of all,
support without exception. I have great friends, a strong and supportive
network, but I don’t know how much I would trust the majority to handle my
telling them I was considering killing myself because of all the hush-hush that
is still present with suicide. That the ability to receive that, process that
and be at best neutral if not negative towards my statement would be very
lacking for so many. Not that they are bad people. I truthfully don’t know how
I’d react, in the moment, to someone sharing the same with me. Would I be able
to do anything helpful in that moment and in the moments that come after? And
what would that help look like? Our mental health system is ABYSMAL. The limits
for mental health care are often ridiculously low for insurance policies. You
can eat a horrendous diet and have cardiac issues and get a million dollars,
literally, a million dollars of services but suffer from mental illness and
you’d best hope that the 25 or 50 thousand cap you have on your policy is
enough to see you through. Heaven forbid you need inpatient care.
I read a prepared statement from the family of Robin
Williams not to dwell on how he died, but rather how he lived. And yes, let us
not forget to celebrate his comedic genius, but let us not dishonor him by
acting as though he simply died in his sleep, either. This was a man of vast
resources, in both time and finances. A man with what can only be assumed was
access to exceptional levels of medical care, the ability to go out of his
insurance network, and a name that would open doors to facilities and doctors
with long waiting lists and pricey treatment.
But still, he chose suicide as his only option. That he was in so much
pain, for so long and unable to battle those demons should be a wake-up call
for everyone, everywhere. We need to have mental illness be as easily discussed
as cancer. We need to have walks, runs, bike-a-thons and lemonade stands to
raise funds for research and care to help with this massive need in our country
and in others. This is a worldwide epidemic, but we keep saying euphemistic
things and avoiding the word. SUICIDE. It is real. It is here. It is not going
away by simply saying someone died after ‘an accident in the home’.
Celebrate his life, yes, but please honor Robin Williams and
everyone who has committed suicide, attempted suicide, considered suicide by
talking about it in real terms and seeking real solutions and having real
conversation with the people you care about and ending the euphemisms and
ignoring issues in hope they will simply go away. They will not. I wear my pink
triple negative breast cancer shirt in honor of a friend who lost the battle
with incredible pride, I would love to see a vast ocean of suicide prevention tees,
be inundated with invitations to fundraisers and half marathons for mental
health and see kids selling lemonade and homemade cookies to give money to
those suffering from mental illness.
