I'm a fraud, a fake, a phony

These are the self doubts and statements I seem to fill my mind with before a race. In fact, I spent the first two miles of my most recent half marathon asking myself what on earth I was doing there. Then I hit my stride at the third mile marker and got down to business. 

In a twist of irony, my two best miles (splits) were the first two, so as I was badgering myself of not being race worthy, I was doing my fastest running! Maybe I should doubt myself the entire 13.1 mile trek and really kick an awesome time in!

But seriously, why is this? And when I shared with some running friends, they said they usually have similar feelings and the times they go into races thinking they have it in the bag and it's going to be a best ever event, it tends to be horrible--experience, time, heavy legs...you name it. But when they are fretting at the start, or even a few miles into the start, they tend to do better and FEEL better. So is there some physiological benefit to questioning yourself? To worrying about the worthiness of your participation in a race. And beyond that...participating in life's events.

I recall being incredibly nervous right until I walked down the aisle to marry my husband. 

The day I went into labor with each of my boys I thought that I wasn't ready/worthy/able to be a mother (first son) and mom of two when his brother arrived 3 years, 3 months and 10 days later. 

My first 'big' job, I thought they'd meet me at the door and tell me to get lost the day I reported for work. 

Perhaps that self doubt gives us a moment, a heartbeat of time, to think about what we are doing, how we're going to do it and then the surge of YES I CAN carries us through the tough times. 

Let's face it, marriage is not a party 24/7. Neither is parenting, the teens years took several off my life. Nor is even the very best job a cakewalk of joy day in and day out. And so when I blew out my soaking wet shoe with the 10 mile marker sign in sight, I was able to say I'VE GOT THIS and power through. I told myself I had less than a 5K to go and reminded myself that a 5K is now my easy run to 'shake things out' and there wasn't a 5K I couldn't do at this point!

Perhaps the greatest value in the self doubt at the starting line is the huge HOORAH at the finish line. That seeing the banner, feeling the surge from within and the roar of the crowd in my ears is all the sweeter when the start was certainly less than celebratory. 

Now, reviling in the glory of a PR in my last race, I am amped for the next, but I am thinking that I might again have those voices in my head telling me I am a fraud, a fake, a phony for a few miles...and then convert to a keen desire to not only finish, but flourish!!