More like a deeply hurting, hurting hippo. But a hippo, all the same.
I never had any idea that a person could be in this much pain consistently and still be conscious. I am on day 6 post-op and the layers of pain go deeply and transition from rolling pain and sharp, stabbing pain. Not really sure which is better. The rolling/roiling isn't as rough, but lasts so much longer. The sharp stabs are Jack the Ripper style and all I can say is GAH!
And I really cannot bring myself to eat much and I know by my measured output that I am drinking far too little and that is not good, but one thing I've worked so hard on for several years is only eating when I am hungry. Because for so many years food was forced on me when I was sick and now I find it revolting to have food in my face when I'm in pain. And a week or two of minimal calories won't be the end of me.
On top of the deep pain, there is the revulsion of self I see when I look in the mirror. I am 21 lbs heavier than I was pre-op. My midsection is gigantic. I know, consciously, it is fluid retention, but that still does not change that I own exactly one dress, that is actually a swimsuit cover up, and four sets of pajamas that I can fit into right now. It does little to reduce my depression of going so far back when I worked so hard to get here. And how hard will I have to work to get back where I was and when will I be able to start working towards that again...months and months from now? I am so swollen and huge in the mid section and really feel like a gigantic hippo. I am so uncomfortable in my body right now and that, combined with the pain, make me feel just so very, very UGH.
Coming home with a Foley catheter and having to deal with all that goes with that is a headache, just a simple roll over or adjusting myself in bed is difficult. And I can't tell if the doctors are aware of what a headache it is or oblivious or what, because it was evident both surgeons thought it was just fine and dandy to send me home with a catheter and that if all I'm doing is laying in bed, it should not be an issue. Except that when you are in pain, you can't really just lay there. You fidget in bed. I feel like a trout that has been reeled in and left to flop on the sandy edge of the creek, hook isn't in my gills though, a little further south and much more painful. On top of that, everything I read says the longer you have a catheter, the harder it is to get your bladder to act on it's own once the catheter is gone. And the 2 hours round trip to visit the doctor will be exceptionally difficult, just 10 minutes in the car was sheer agony on the ride home Friday and the next 50 were no better.
I'm not one to have a pity party, I pretty much get up and roll with life, but I must admit that I'm right on the edge of throwing one for myself. I want to cry more than laugh. I want to just be able to walk down the hall and get myself a fresh glass of tea without incident. I would like to use the toilet instead of having a bag emptied. I want to lay down to sleep and not wake up in so much pain and deeply disoriented three hours later. At one point this morning I awoke but could not figure out where I was and after much difficulty of sitting up and determining that I was in my home, I then had to get myself into a quasi-comfortable position and back to sleep since I was over two hours away from being able to take prescriptions again.
This is going to be a rough and bumpy ride, I can tell that going to be the truth without a doubt. More to come, but I am also hopeful that there will become smoother sections on road along the way, too. The day I can get up and walk around the block will be tremendous for me. The day I'm allowed to jog even the slightest bit will be especially wonderful. I cannot wait for those days to arrive!
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